things that look like stars.

i smashed a vase today.

(it was an accident.)

i always used to talk about how being with ricky
made me want to break glass,
but knocking over that vase broke my heart.
maybe the saddest part were those broken pieces:
they were made to fit together, but they never would again.
they never will again.
i started to clean it up and soon the only pieces left
were the ones that glittered like stars.
but in an instant, my hands were covered in my own blood.
pretty things can hurt. even things that look like stars.
they can cut long and deep in the cleanest of ways.
i spend half an hour sweeping,
because i don't want anyone to know.
maybe the saddest part is that it's just a reminder
that i can't fix everything.
and that maybe my pieces will never fit together again.
when i thought that i was finished, i fell to my knees,
and i pressed my hands into the spot on the floor
where the vase had fallen.

like some kind of prayer.
like some kind of apology.
like some kind of surrender.

when i lifted my hands up,
they were still covered in my own blood,
but now in a million stars as well,
a million constellations ripping the skin of my palms.

like forgiveness never granted.